DEAD IRAQIS SUPPORT BUSH
By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer



WASHINGTON - In an announcement today, President Bush unveiled a stunning new survey that showed by a margin of 100 to 0, that dead Iraqis support his decision to invade Iraq and back the continued presence of US troops. “You’re either for us or against us,” Bush told reporters, “and since not one dead Iraqi has protested or disagreed with our policy, it means that they are in full agreement with all that we are trying to accomplish in Iraq.”

When asked about reports that the dead Iraqis silence could mean nothing more that they were simply dead, Presidential Press Secretary, Tony Snow dismissed such reports as distortions by the Democrats “who were trying to use the war on terror for their political gain. It is quite unfortunate that the Democrats with their near stranglehold on the liberal media would stoop to such unspeakable depths to use fear and smear tactics for political purposes.”

Also touting the survey from an undisclosed bunker location, Vice President Dick Cheney said this survey “was like a shot in the face, or arm as you will, to the President. Besides,” he continued, “the insurgency among dead Iraqis is in its last throes.”

“The President thought that there were only about 30,000 dead Iraqis since the start of the war,” said an unnamed White House spokesman, “but now that this survey is out, the President is much more comfortable with a number closer to 200,000.”

Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld commented that this survey is further proof of the soundness of the Bush Administration’s Iraqi strategy. Rumsfeld added, “would you rather have dead Iraqis over there or have them over here?”

“It is clear,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, “that the dead Iraqis are better off now under a government where they can vote than they were under the tyrannical Saddam Hussein.” When a reporter commented that dead people don’t vote, Ms. Rice said, “they do in Chicago.”

“This survey should put and end once and for all,” said Sean Hannity of Fox News, “to the notion that the dead Iraqis see the US as anything other than liberators. In fact, just as we’ve been saying all along, the dead Iraqis at this very moment are pushing up daisies to give to the liberating American troops.”

The survey, conducted last week by Diebold, Inc. had a plus or minus error factor of 100%.

BUSH RESIGNS
R. J. Shulman

WASHIGNTON- In a shocking move that took everyone by surprise, George W. Bush announced that he has resigned the Presidency effective immediately. Bush said, “I am the resigner and when I resign that means that I have resignicated the Presidency.” Stating the he has “done everything I set forth to do,” Bush said, “I would like to finally get the brush cleared around my ranch. I keep telling the brush to cut the s**t out, but it keeps piling up.” He also indicated that he would finally get to finish reading “My Pet Goat,” without being interrupted by petty incidents such as planes crashing into buildings.

When asked what it was he had set out to do, Bush said, “I wanted to catapult the propaganda and I surly was the catapulter. Since I took over the office in the oval room, there is peace, every American has prospercated, the deficit is better than we purposefully predicted, Cindy Sheehan is losing weight, the slums have been cleaned out of New Orleans and stem cells are now protected so they can turn into little snowflake soldiers.” When questioned about the trouble in the middle east, the President said, “I know that middle eastern states such as Pennsylvania and Ohio have some unrest about the march of democracy, but our counters will be countercating the votes to make sure terrorist voters don’t vote over here.”

Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow stated that the President wanted to spend more time with his family. When asked if he thought Laura and the twins would be happy with this, Mr. Snow stated that he had no idea, as he meant that Mr. Bush wanted to spend more time with Mr. Snow’s family.

The resignation has already caused ripples around the world. British Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “Thank God, if I had to be in the same room with that uncouth oaf one more time, I would probably soil me knickers.” German Chancellor Angela Merkel echoed the sentiment saying, “that if that ugly American tried to give me another shoulder massage I would have had to rearrange his face to one even Barbara Bush would have to say didn’t work out so well for him.” There is an unsubstantiated report that upon hearing the news of the Bush resignation, both Israeli and Hezbollah soldiers threw down their arms saying it was about time that “prayers to Yaweh and Allah were finally answered.”

After taking the Presidential oath of office in his undisclosed bunker, President Dick Chaney said that he had no plans to make any policy changes, stating “Why would I change my mind now?”

CORRUPTION RAMPANT AMONG SCIENTISTS
By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer

WASHINGTON - In a shocking new study, Fox News has reported that 98% of scientists are so driven by the need to get research grants that they have compromised their integrity in their mad dash to the feeding trough. So says Martin Bowman of the Heritage Foundation who conducted the study. “For example, every scientist who claims to have evidence of global warming has received money for their scientific work. Now just how much more money do you think they would get if they told the world that everything was hunky dory?” Mr. Bowman remarked that the few scientists who did not need research money because they were paid by Exxon/Mobil, Shell, or Conoco Phillips were unanimous in stating that global warming was a great hoax.

Others have used the corrupt scientific community to further their own personal political agenda, the report continued. Mark Terrier of the Scientists for a Safer Tomorrow, a think tank created by General Motors and the Coal Industry, said that “irresponsible scientists have created a monster in Al Gore who is now scaring the country with his deeply flawed “shockumentary.” In response, the Swift Boat for Truth group has just released a film called, “An Inconvenient Gore,” that exposes just how boring the former Vice President is if he has to make a presentation without a slide projector. The documentary will be shown on over 100 television stations, pre-empting the Evening News.

“Scientists have been making some wild claims,” said Rene Picard of the Flat Earth Society. “How can they dare say the world is older than six thousand years when it is clearly against the Bible,” said Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family, a popular syndicated radio show.

“For pure reasons of greed,” said John Brown, CEO of British Petroleum, “Scientists have claimed that oil spills cause death and irreparable harm to ocean life. How can this be as oil is a natural substance?” The report chided scientists who have made wild claims that mercury poisons fish or that cigarette smoking is a hazard to health. “This bogus profit driven research has all but obscured such tried and true facts such as ‘four out of five doctors who smoke, smoke Camels,” said Raleigh Winston of the Tobacco Institute.

When told of the massive corruption uncovered in the scientific community, President Bush said “that is why you have to say the same things over and over again to catapult the propaganda. The next thingy you know,” the President added, “science people will say that too much alcohol and drugs consumpticating can make a man as stupider as you can get.”

From an undisclosed bunker, Vice President Dick Cheney said that all America should take heart because “the scientists are in their last throes. Besides, even if there was global warming, what would be so bad about a scheme that would keep hell from freezing over?”

BUSH VETOES SCIENCE
By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer



WASHINGTON - Exercising only his second veto in the six years of his administration, President George W. Bush vetoed science today. “After experiencing the thrill of what its like to just say no,” the President said, “the decider is now the Vetoer in Chief.” The President grinned and vetoed science with a flourish of a pen. The President used a quill pen, as he stated he didn’t want to use gel pens, or any instrument of scientists, as science is “ a theoretical set of theories that some East Coast terrorists loving egghead theorists have theorized which does noting but burdenize the absolute proof of faith.”

This approach mirrors what the President said yesterday when he vetoed a bill passed by Congress regarding funding for stem cell research. “I veto this bill because I believe in the culture of life,” he said, “and I authorize the killing of anyone who disagrees with not saving the poor little embryos.” When told that the embryos in questions were going to be thrown out anyway, he ordered the killing of the “thrower outers” who are “definitely anti-life killers.”

Pat Robertson, popular host of the 700 Club, said “I wholeheartedly agree with the President about saving the embryos, unless we know that the little snowflake is going to grow up to be another Hugo Chavez.”

After vetoing science, the President vowed to veto “any gun control, pollution control, governmental corruption control, lawsuits against corporations, the quaint and pesky Geneva Convention, all taxes for the rich, dissent, the obstructionary Bill of Rights, the tired poor huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and the three Al’s of terror – Al Gore, Al Franken and Al Qeida.” He also threatened to veto birth control. “If God wanted women folk not to be barefoot and pregnant,” he said with a half-chewed buttered roll falling out of his mouth, “they would have been born with shoes and a DUI or a diagram in their parts that OBGYNs practice their love on all over this great country of ours.”

Vice President Dick Cheney was pleased with the President’s bold new initiatives saying from his undisclosed bunker location that the “liberals are in the last throes of their liberalism.” Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow said, “Essentially, the President with this decisive new action has basically said for Americans to just cut the s**t and let the President get back to clearing brush on his ranch.”

When asked about the President’s new veto initiative, national radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said, “He didn’t say anything about vetoing oxy contin, did he?”

When questioned if he would now veto all bills sent to him by Congress, the President promised to sign any bill declaring English as the official language of the United States, but said he would issue a signing statement saying “since I am the big honcho jeffe boss, I don’t have to be a utilizer of perfectionary English myself.”

BUSH TO OUTSOURCE INCOMPETENCE
By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer



WASHINGTON - In an announcement delayed by a scheduling glitch, President Bush announced that his administration was going win the so-called “war on f-ups,” by outsourcing incompetence around the world. “Would you rather fight incompetence over there or fight it here,” he said into a nonworking microphone that had to be replaced. “I am going to personally bring my vision of American incompetence around the world,” Bush said, after falling off his bicycle injuring a security guard.

“Incompetence is on the march in the Middle East,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice touting recent successes. “Just look at the Iraqis trying to get their government together, the recent Palestinian elections as roadmap toward peace and now topped off by that Dubai port fiasco.”

Among the first steps taken by the Bush Administration was to appoint Michael Brown to head up UNICEF, the United Nations children’s relief fund. “After what he accomplished in the Katrina crisis, you can just imagine what he can do for the children of the world,” said a White House source that could not be identified due to a typo in the press release, “besides,” the source stated, “we already have John Bolton as our ambassador, so our UN incompetence is now completely in place.

“I’m headed out to be in charge of the Chinese Infantry, soon as I finish cleaning this rifle” said Vice President Dick Cheney to a group of scattering reporters. Wasting no time, the White house announced that former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay will be the new Pope. “This is a position in which much of the world looks up to for moral and ethical guidance and Tom is the perfect choice,” said Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClelland, still wiping egg off his face from a cheese omelet that had mysterious exploded earlier in the day.

Other announcements included appointing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to be in charge of the military operations for different foreign countries on a rotating basis. “There is no one who can spread incompetence around the world faster than Don,” said another White House source, “except maybe the Democratic Party who seem to be able to lose elections even when their opposition has destroyed America’s economy, safety, world reputation and personal freedoms that used to be protected by that quaint old document called the United States Constitution.”

When asked about this new development, national radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said, “I’m going to outsource my maid to Outer frickin’ Mongolia for taking so long to get me my drugs.”

BIN LADEN, HUSSEIN TAPED FOR NEW POSTS

By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer



WASHINGTON - After a misstep of trying to enter into a contract with Dubai Ports World, a company owned by the United Arab Emirates to manage certain US ports, the Bush administration announced today that the Port of New York will be managed by Osama Bin Laden. “He’s already done the surveillance, is very familiar with New York and is the natural choice.”

In explaining Bush’s latest appointment, Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClelland said, “the President is well aware of the importance of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer and everyone knows the Bush family has enjoyed a wonderful relationship with the Bin Ladens over the years.” Vice President Dick Cheney quipped, if you think that Harry Whittington’s face looked bad, wait to you see what happens to Osama’s the next time we go hunting.”

The President also appointed Saddam Hussein to guard the port of New Orleans. Bush said the former tyrant would be available, “as soon as we blow the criminal case against him.” Hussein said, he would be happy to take the post. The former Iraqi dictator said, “if I could build all of those palaces to myself, building a few levies would be a piece of cake.” “Besides,” said an unnamed White House aide, “if certain residents of New Orleans get a little to uppity or try to return, the President has Constitutional authority and the track record to conduct a preemptive strike.”

In a move to head off criticism, an unnamed Administration spokesperson explained, “these appointments show the world that we are not prejudiced against certain ethnic or religious groups.” In keeping with this message, the President also announced the appointment of North Korea’s Kim Jong-il to oversee the ports of Long Beach and Los Angeles. However, Bush announced that there would be no one named to look after the Port of San Francisco, since “all those homosexuals aren’t going to heaven anyway.”

In a related move, the President named former FEMA director Michael Brown as the new leader of Al Qaeda in the Afghanistan Territory. Bush explained to reporters, “would you rather fight his terrorizing incompetence over there or fight it here?”