BUSH RESIGNS
R. J. Shulman

WASHIGNTON- In a shocking move that took everyone by surprise, George W. Bush announced that he has resigned the Presidency effective immediately. Bush said, “I am the resigner and when I resign that means that I have resignicated the Presidency.” Stating the he has “done everything I set forth to do,” Bush said, “I would like to finally get the brush cleared around my ranch. I keep telling the brush to cut the s**t out, but it keeps piling up.” He also indicated that he would finally get to finish reading “My Pet Goat,” without being interrupted by petty incidents such as planes crashing into buildings.

When asked what it was he had set out to do, Bush said, “I wanted to catapult the propaganda and I surly was the catapulter. Since I took over the office in the oval room, there is peace, every American has prospercated, the deficit is better than we purposefully predicted, Cindy Sheehan is losing weight, the slums have been cleaned out of New Orleans and stem cells are now protected so they can turn into little snowflake soldiers.” When questioned about the trouble in the middle east, the President said, “I know that middle eastern states such as Pennsylvania and Ohio have some unrest about the march of democracy, but our counters will be countercating the votes to make sure terrorist voters don’t vote over here.”

Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow stated that the President wanted to spend more time with his family. When asked if he thought Laura and the twins would be happy with this, Mr. Snow stated that he had no idea, as he meant that Mr. Bush wanted to spend more time with Mr. Snow’s family.

The resignation has already caused ripples around the world. British Prime Minister Tony Blair said, “Thank God, if I had to be in the same room with that uncouth oaf one more time, I would probably soil me knickers.” German Chancellor Angela Merkel echoed the sentiment saying, “that if that ugly American tried to give me another shoulder massage I would have had to rearrange his face to one even Barbara Bush would have to say didn’t work out so well for him.” There is an unsubstantiated report that upon hearing the news of the Bush resignation, both Israeli and Hezbollah soldiers threw down their arms saying it was about time that “prayers to Yaweh and Allah were finally answered.”

After taking the Presidential oath of office in his undisclosed bunker, President Dick Chaney said that he had no plans to make any policy changes, stating “Why would I change my mind now?”