BUSH TO OUTSOURCE INCOMPETENCE
By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer



WASHINGTON - In an announcement delayed by a scheduling glitch, President Bush announced that his administration was going win the so-called “war on f-ups,” by outsourcing incompetence around the world. “Would you rather fight incompetence over there or fight it here,” he said into a nonworking microphone that had to be replaced. “I am going to personally bring my vision of American incompetence around the world,” Bush said, after falling off his bicycle injuring a security guard.

“Incompetence is on the march in the Middle East,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice touting recent successes. “Just look at the Iraqis trying to get their government together, the recent Palestinian elections as roadmap toward peace and now topped off by that Dubai port fiasco.”

Among the first steps taken by the Bush Administration was to appoint Michael Brown to head up UNICEF, the United Nations children’s relief fund. “After what he accomplished in the Katrina crisis, you can just imagine what he can do for the children of the world,” said a White House source that could not be identified due to a typo in the press release, “besides,” the source stated, “we already have John Bolton as our ambassador, so our UN incompetence is now completely in place.

“I’m headed out to be in charge of the Chinese Infantry, soon as I finish cleaning this rifle” said Vice President Dick Cheney to a group of scattering reporters. Wasting no time, the White house announced that former Speaker of the House, Tom Delay will be the new Pope. “This is a position in which much of the world looks up to for moral and ethical guidance and Tom is the perfect choice,” said Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClelland, still wiping egg off his face from a cheese omelet that had mysterious exploded earlier in the day.

Other announcements included appointing Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to be in charge of the military operations for different foreign countries on a rotating basis. “There is no one who can spread incompetence around the world faster than Don,” said another White House source, “except maybe the Democratic Party who seem to be able to lose elections even when their opposition has destroyed America’s economy, safety, world reputation and personal freedoms that used to be protected by that quaint old document called the United States Constitution.”

When asked about this new development, national radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said, “I’m going to outsource my maid to Outer frickin’ Mongolia for taking so long to get me my drugs.”