BIN LADEN, HUSSEIN TAPED FOR NEW POSTS

By R. J. Shulman,
staff writer



WASHINGTON - After a misstep of trying to enter into a contract with Dubai Ports World, a company owned by the United Arab Emirates to manage certain US ports, the Bush administration announced today that the Port of New York will be managed by Osama Bin Laden. “He’s already done the surveillance, is very familiar with New York and is the natural choice.”

In explaining Bush’s latest appointment, Presidential Press Secretary Scott McClelland said, “the President is well aware of the importance of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer and everyone knows the Bush family has enjoyed a wonderful relationship with the Bin Ladens over the years.” Vice President Dick Cheney quipped, if you think that Harry Whittington’s face looked bad, wait to you see what happens to Osama’s the next time we go hunting.”

The President also appointed Saddam Hussein to guard the port of New Orleans. Bush said the former tyrant would be available, “as soon as we blow the criminal case against him.” Hussein said, he would be happy to take the post. The former Iraqi dictator said, “if I could build all of those palaces to myself, building a few levies would be a piece of cake.” “Besides,” said an unnamed White House aide, “if certain residents of New Orleans get a little to uppity or try to return, the President has Constitutional authority and the track record to conduct a preemptive strike.”

In a move to head off criticism, an unnamed Administration spokesperson explained, “these appointments show the world that we are not prejudiced against certain ethnic or religious groups.” In keeping with this message, the President also announced the appointment of North Korea’s Kim Jong-il to oversee the ports of Long Beach and Los Angeles. However, Bush announced that there would be no one named to look after the Port of San Francisco, since “all those homosexuals aren’t going to heaven anyway.”

In a related move, the President named former FEMA director Michael Brown as the new leader of Al Qaeda in the Afghanistan Territory. Bush explained to reporters, “would you rather fight his terrorizing incompetence over there or fight it here?”